What would be your perfect day?

Sleeping, waking up, stretching, yawning, greeting the loveliness of the day; plumping the soft, lightly-perfumed pillows and going immediately back to sleep.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Taxis. Taxis are a well-known weakness of mine. I have despairing friends who call me "Taxi Truss".

What is the most exciting thing you ever received through the post?

A letter from my old university (University College London) offering me a fellowship. I was overwhelmed.

What's your idea of a perfect meal?

Not sure about the food, but I would go by taxi both ways, talk about my exciting UCL fellowship, and have a jolly good sleep all day the next day.

Do you have a favourite hangover cure?

No. Whenever I'm hung over, I am completely at a loss about what to do. I can't believe it's happening to me. I can't remember any of the things you're supposed to do. In short, I panic and feel terribly sorry for myself. I groan and moan and ask "Why me?" The important thing that I eventually remember, however, is to be sick. If I foolishly imagine that on this occasion (because I am staying at a friend's house, perhaps) I don't need to be sick, it turns out that I am actually just delaying being sick, because I will have to be sick in the long run. Sorry, but you did ask.

What vehicle, if any, do you own?

I have a convertible New Beetle. It is quite lovely, and I have not yet got over the novelty of putting the top down and putting the top back up again. To be honest, it's a bugger to park, because you don't have a clue where the back is, where the front is, and can't see how wide the wheel arches are.

But it remains my pride and joy.

What was the first job you ever had?

I had a Saturday job in Salisbury's handbags in Richmond (Surrey) when I was 15. It came with two particular duties: I had to tear up (or fold) the cardboard boxes and cartons the handbags had been delivered in on Thursdays; and I had to take my shoes off and climb carefully in to the window display to retrieve little red purses or whatever, without knocking all the silly handbags off the silly perspex stands. It was like being Gulliver in Lilliput — only in a specific leather accessory context. Other than that, I mainly remember arguing with the manageress about her insistence that we keep the door open (company policy) even during winter power cuts. I am going to write a short story about all this one day.

Do you have any irrational fears?

I won't swim in deep water, but I'm not sure this fear is irrational. Deep water sometimes contains things such as sharks and giant squid and classical sea monsters, which you can't see until they are actually eating your leg. You are also much more likely to drown in deep water, I feel, than in a sensible pool that is four feet deep end-to-end.

What is the oldest item of clothing you still wear?

I have a fringed suede jacket from my size 12 period in the early 1990s that I refuse to give away. I don't wear it any more because it's too small, but I fantasize that I will one day be able to twirl about in it once more.

Who do you love?

Ah. Oh dear. Shouldn't that be "whom"?

Who, or what, do you hate?

Well, two things. First, actions that demonstrate the self-centred values of the post-Thatcher era. Which probably means most things done by most people under the age of forty.  Second: the fashion for pointy shoes. I think I hate the fashion for pointy shoes more than I've ever hated anything in my life.

What newspapers or magazines do you read?

All the broadsheets, in random rotation; also the Standard(even though I don't live in London). I also read The Spectator, Private Eye, Empire.

What is your favourite book?

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I don't read it once a year or anything, because that would be obsessional and not leave enough time for all those papers and magazines. But I do love it.

What is your favourite television programme?

University Challenge.

What was the first record you ever bought?

"I Can't Let Go" by the Hollies. A masterpiece.

Where do you go to relax?

A very good question. I'd love to know. Where do you go to relax?

What is your most annoying habit?

Taking taxis for walkable distances.

What is your favourite journey?

Driving westwards along the Military Road on the south coast of the Isle of Wight, towards the looming Tennyson Down, at sunset, in June, to the sound of summer birdsong.

What is your favourite part of Manchester?

Eek, I don't have one. Aside from Old Trafford (which I hope never to see again — it's a long story), the only part of Manchester I could locate on a map with any confidence is Waterstone's in Deansgate.

What is your ultimate ambition?

To be a good person, and not injure anybody accidentally with my piercing wit.

What is your greatest achievement?

Keeping cheerful.

Which person has most influenced you?

Sylvia Plath. No, that's a joke. Dolly Parton.

If you could be anyone else, who would you be?

Michelle Pfeiffer.

Do you...

...believe in love at first sight?

Yes.

...know who's number one in the charts?

The books charts, yes. The singles charts, no. Last time I looked I believe it was "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

...support the death penalty?

No.

...sing in the bath?

No, but I do talk to myself in the shower.

What would you like to be your epitaph?

"She saved us from the pointy shoe just in time to prevent the biggest plague of bunions the world had ever seen."

Originally published in Metro. Used by permission.
Author photo by Barry Lewis.